HIS NAME IT WAS TAYLOR, A PLANTY WAS HE
HE WAS DRIVING A VOLVO DOWN THE B963
A DEER IT JUMPED OUT AND HODGE HAD TO BRAKE
BUT TAYLOR COULD NOT STOP AND A DENT HE DID MAKE

(CHORUS)
AND ITS NO NAY NEVER, NO NAY NEVER NO MORE
AS HE SMASHED THE LAND ROVER, BACK LIGHTS AND THE DOOR

TOULA WENT OFF IT WHEN HE HEARD THE SCORE
COS THE RADIO HE JUST BOUGHT WAS'NT WORKIN NO MORE
COS AFTER THE WALLOP IF FELL TO THE FLOOR
AND SMASHED INTO BITS OF A THOUSAND OR MORE

CHORUS

THE OLD MAN ARRIVED, AND LOOKED ON IN DESPAIR
HE WAS JUMPING AROUND, HE WAS PULLING AT HIS HAIR
HE SAID UNTO TAYLOR "I'LL NOT ACCEPT THIS"
YOU'VE BEEN IN THE NAAFI, ALL NIGHT ON THE PISS

CHORUS

3 TROOPS NEW CAPTAIN HIS HEAD HE DID SHAKE
AND SAID UNTO TAYLOR YOU POSER YOU FAKE
TAYLOR A CORPORAL SAID "SIR I FEEL BAD"
HE SAID SON YOU'RE A SAPPER, AND TONIGHT YOUR ON GAURD

CHORUS

THEN THE FITTER HE TURNED UP AND TOOK JUST ONE LOOK
AND SAID UNTO TAYLOR, "GO GET THE HANDBOOK"
THE FITTER HE STOOD THERE AND LOOKED RATHER MEEK
AND SAID "WHAT A BASTARD, MY FIRST JOB THIS WEEK"

CHORUS